Hurt the Ones You're With

I said something to my daughter Anne this evening that really upset her. I did apologize for hurting her feelings because I wasn't intentionally trying to do it, but it was how I felt and I felt like I needed to say it.

In spite of being upset with me, she cooked an awesome dinner of breakfast for us...scrambled eggs, sausage, gravy, biscuits, sliced tomatoes and very delicious fruit salad. She didn't eat with us because she said she wasn't very hungry, but I suspect it was because she didn't feel that charitable towards me. Oh well....

The difficult part of this is that I have never recovered from my shock and sadness over the problems that she has had. At the root is my heartbreak over losing the daughter I thought I had. This person who took her place is a little like her, but not the same and I still can't adjust to it.

I know it sounds dramatic to say heartbreak, when my daughter is still here, walking around and breathing, when so many others have lost loved ones, but I am not being overly dramatic. At one point, while I was wondering, for the thousandth time, why I was so sad and why I was having such a difficult time dealing with it, I realized that it was because my heart had been broken. And that is the only way to describe what I felt...just absolute, complete sadness and feelings of loss.

So, yeah, she isn't the only one with issues...I have plenty. And, sometimes, the not so nice things I feel come out. But, hopefully she knows that I really never intend to say anything mean. My observations are, after all, my observations, and if it upsets her to hear it, then I guess either she'll have to grow thicker skin or I'll have to not be very honest with her.

On other home fronts, Neal took his mom to the doctor today for some bloodwork. She was so weak that he said she could barely lift up her foot to step on the curb. She is in very, very bad shape. I really don't know how she even makes it from day to day.

I think Anne and Sarah plan to go see her tomorrow. Sarah is actually going to call early in the morning and see if she can take her to her hair appointment at 9:00. In her shape, she shouldn't be driving, but I'm sure she doesn't want to give up her independence.

I heard a report on the radio this afternoon that talked about results from studies on Alzheimers patients. All of the things that we have heard that is good, like keeping mentally active, etc. apparently don't really show significant results.

Drat....I was really counting on getting my master's degree in middle age to stave off a few years of dementia!