Seven Months and Sixteen Days

Seven months and sixteen days...that is how long it has been since my mother's death. I still want to pick up the phone and call her about the silliest things that I have heard on the news. I still think how much she would like to travel here or there when I hear about a place I know she would like. But mostly I just want to hug her.

When I think of my mom it is with a very real tactile sensation. At first she wasn't much of a hugger but I was. As a child and young person I would hang on her so I guess she eventually got used to it. As an adult she was very much of a huggy person and whenever I left her it was never without a hug. And when I hugged her I tried to memorize how she felt, as if I were trying to imprint her shape onto my own. And that is what I think of when I think of her; a physical remembrance of how she felt.

My therapist said that it takes a year before it doesn't hurt so much and with time the hurt is not so keen or so shocking. But the other night I heard our dog barking and my first thought was that it was mom's dog and then quickly the realization that my mother was gone. And the realization that the wound, though healing, is still terribly raw.

And So On

I know I am a terrible blogger. It's a good thing I'm not trying to cultivate followers b/c I'd never have any. No one would wait a year between posts.

My life has been full of struggles over the last few years but I think I have turned a corner. I feel hopeful somehow and like I am climbing back up from this pit.

My mother has passed away and this has been one of the saddest events of my life so far. I miss her so much. When I think about her, I always think of how she felt when I hugged her. She was soft and squeezable and it is that physical, tactile feel that I have when I think of her.

Can I say how glad I am that I had her for my nearly 60 years? I am grateful for the time I spent with her and grateful for the trips we took together. I have satisfaction knowing that I made some of her wishes come true.

So I have been working through my grief . I have gone through the shock (although there are times I still can't believe she is gone), anger, sadness, etc. and now I think I am moving into the acceptance part. I have just been so sad for so long and now I feel that lifting.

And good things are happening. Anne is graduating on May 11. She has struggled and her victory encourages me. Sarah is graduating on May 11 as well and moving to Greensboro. Rachel seems to be getting along well after a difficult period of time. Neal is Neal. But that is ok.

I like where I work and am thankful for the job and even though it is very stressful right now I feel as if I have risen above it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I just hope it isn't a train.